Capitalist Pig That I Am

This post is yet another installment of a Savings Ninja Thought Experiment. Click Here for the OG link.

Here is the Premise;

You’ve arrived at Firearto, better known as ‘Earth 2.0’, an exo planet located over 200,000 light years away. As you walk down the exit corridor of your spaceship along with another million colonizers you think to yourself: What will I do here? Firearto is a planet that has no monetary system, all of your needs are provided for by FSY (Firearto Space Corp). How will you live your life?

One of the other unwritten rules of these thought experiments is to not overthink it, just start writing. I worked out a whole answer before I realized I probably misunderstood the exercise.

I think the scenario is asking us to ponder what we would do with ourselves if we take our ‘need money, have to find work‘ out of the equation. What would we do with our time if we had the time?

Great Premise, I am sure there will be lots of great answers. I would drink coffee, read books, and try my hand at writing a SciFi novel.

Back to the mindless first impression-type answer. I thought the question was more like; There is no traditional economy established, how will you survive/thrive? The green-eyed free market monster crept up behind me and made me write the following answer.

Fresh off the Boat with a million other me’s right behind and I gotta figure out how to make a go of it here on planet Firearto.

My whole scheme revolves around none of us knowing too much about our new home sweet home.

I say ‘scheme’ cause that’s what this all feels like to me. Pouring off the boat in a land of opportunity. How do I shine brighter than these others? Gotta find a niche and find it soon.

Step 1. Find out what is needed and not yet provided for.

I keep my eye to the ground at the local food dispensary. Milling about, striking up conversations with my fellow colonists. Friendly and always willing to chew the fat. We talk about the weather, our housing assignments, the long lines at the commissary, etc. etc.

Then I get a whiff of what I am looking for. An older lady complaining to a group people about those damn ‘morning slugs’. A young boy pipes up that his grandmother already figured out that ginger root keeps them away from your stuff. ‘Does that really work?’ the old lady asks. The kid replies, “My Grandma is old school Chinese, homemade cures for everything, it works pretty good.”

Step 2. Break Down the Problem

Listed as one of only 46 indigenous fauna to planet Firearto, the deceptively named ‘morning slug’ is in fact a giant problem.

Sure he looks adorbs, but this little bastard is disgusting. Sometime during the night they come out of hiding and are usually gone my ‘morning’. The leave quite a mess. The Pulmonata Arenus, or Morning Slug is technically a xenoterrestrial gastopod mollusc. A prolific hermaphrodite breeder with a very challenging life.

You see the Morning slug makes slime like all those other snails and slugs we were used to back on Earth. A less than desirable mode of transportation, but who I am to judge? Left to its own devices, the Morning slugs would only generate a ‘normal’ amount of mucus necessary to move around and deter predators. But alas mankind really screwed with this little guys whole life.

Enter in Arion acari, a relatively innocuous nematodes (read slug mite) brought in on the boots of colonists to the eternal despair of our local Morning slug.

The earth born slug mite is a parasite, who when in contact with Firearto’s own Morning Slug produces an extreme reaction in the slug, causing its mucus production to increase 20 fold. Not a typo.

It gets into everything and smells like a cross between feet and a bad cheese. The slime is neither water nor oil based and as of yet there is no particular solvent product that seems to do much good in getting rid of ‘mucous trails’.

It really sucks.

Step 3. Will people pay to fix this Problem.

Oh yes they will. Maybe after a considerable adjustment period people would come to accept the ever present translucent slime. Maybe someday, that smell will not offend the acclimated nostril. Much the same way that manure came to smell like progress to the farmer back on Earth. But we are NOT there yet my friend. They will pay. They just haven’t seen the product yet that they WANT to pay for.

Step 4. Does my Proposed Solution Actually Work.

The problem is significant enough that even a certain amount of snake oil would likely be acceptable to the population. But I am looking at the long term horizon. I want this to be a product that works. Brand Loyalty is my end game. I want my product to be a household name.

I fiddle with some different combinations of ginger to find out that it actually does work. A little across the threshold and the little buggers seem to stay out. Kinda like Borax and ants back home. Next to mix with a light solution of vegetable oil to make paste that won’t blow away as soon as the wind picks up. A pinch of a secret ingredient that has no real purpose other than to complicate the formula without detracting from its effectiveness. Bingo.

Uncle Othala’s Anti Slug Paste.

Best part is that it does not CURE the problem, it just PREVENTS it. You are gonna need a lot more Slug Paste people, I am talking bulk size product at the Intergalactic Costco.

Step 5. Secure the Product.

Patent pending. Curiously enough my application was number #137 at the new Patent Office. Why? Because this path I have laid out here is a tried and true path to success. (Not the anti-slime part, the find a problem and create a solution part)

Step 6. Whip Up Business.

Samples to the busybodies. Pay kids to run around spreading rumors. A celebrity influencer maybe? Sit back and watch the orders roll in. It will scale and my days here in Firearto just got a little easier. Kinda feels like that time I started my first real business at age 10.

Next up, we take some of those profits and put it right back into R&D on a solvent that works well to get rid of those slime trails.

Think this Slime-o-rama is far fetched, check out this true life story about HagFish in Oregon.




5 thoughts on “Capitalist Pig That I Am

  1. Awesome dude, thanks for joining in 🙂

    I love the notion that everyone will be entrepreneurs as there are so many new things that have yet to be made. It’s like what Elon Musk was saying the first century will be like for Mars colonists; entrepreneurship will thrive. Even if basic needs are covered, people will always want to be at the top!

  2. This reminds me of one of the touchstone fiction books about medical training, “The House of God,” by Samuel Shem. In it, a future GI doc known as the Fat Man dreams of the day he’ll administer bowel runs to the stars and confides that he has invented a novelty item that will make him filthy rich – a mirror on a telescoping handle that will permit the user to view him or herself where the sun don’t shine.

    The more I think about it, the more I feel that if you can get past a lot of blatant misogyny and 1970s baggage, you’d enjoy the cynical world view.

  3. I think you lost me around paragraph four, but I see where you’re going here. Goes to show, many of us are quite simply pre-programmed to work and create something. The genetic disposition to stay alive and then prosper guilts us out of laziness. We might even create the next Pet Rock?

Let's get things nice and sparkling clear