I did not even get a chance to check in at the front desk for FinCon19 before I was accosted by two girls in sailor outfits and matching heterochromia who said they were ‘Big Fans’ and dragged me off to a side conference room.
Around the corner and there was a scene to make even Caligula blush.
My mind reels to try and take in all the sights. It felt like madness to try and catalog such a Carnival of Worldly Pleasures.
A squirming mass of humanity going at it like the world was about to end. I saw boys, girls, twinks, leather daddies, MILF’s, DILF’s, Bears, otters, latex hipsters, bi-curious pansexuals, PAWGs, gimps, crushers, Bronies, amputees, furries, and a contingent of little people greased up like channel swimmers. A wall of smells assaulted the senses – all screaming sex, hedonism, and the lash!
Every shade, size, and age. Young and old alike. Golden springales in the bloom of their youth beside Ancient flesh pressed into service one last time for the Gipper.
Off in one corner was a large Pack-n-Play filled with diaper wearing adult babies with lactation fetishes and mommy issues.
A whole mock Payless Shoe store for the foot weirdos.
In another corner a giant contraption I can only describe as BDSM playground equipment complete with a paddy whacker machine, a ‘ropes course’, basket swings, and an asphyxiation merry-go-round.
Even the furniture seems to be participating as best it could.
Bacchus was tending bar against the wall while Pan himself held court on the far side. Such a gathering as not seen outside of Iower Swabia since the carefree days of the 1520’s.
Giant Speakers were blaring the Lords of Acid on a nonstop loop.
There were animals present but not as non-consenting victims. They all seem willing, nay – even enthusiastic about their various roles.
And in an impossible fifth corner, a red mist hid from view something massive and Lovecraftian. For an instant I saw a leathery wing and part of a tentacle. I could hear wet slapping sounds and desperate moaning. There were two lines of naked people waiting to enter the swirling haze. The girls I had long forgotten about standing next to me said “They all long for the honor to be hollowed out and used as a prophylactic by Balgar the Insatiable.”
I twirled about in this mad world and said to myself, ‘if this be the state of personal finance in America, then I am willing to step up and be the Hero they all need me to be.”
EDIT; This was all at the Washington D.C. Sheraton where my uber dropped me off by mistake. I am now on my way to the correct venue at the Washington D.C. Hilton were FinCon19 is taking place. I will go ahead and assume there will be a somewhat different atmosphere when I arrive. Stay tuned kids…